She Sure is {Searching}

I sit, poised at the ready, brush in hand. I dash. I stab. Then I just. watch. I try to refrain from jumping in. It’s a struggle.
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There is not fixing and there is no forcing. I am fast learning I can make a painting bend and fold to my will but it’s just not worth the loss. I keep fighting for the freedom of my paint. I slap my own hand away on the regular. It’s a growth period for me as an artist and for my art as a living breathing entity too. I fail at letting my art breathe. I fail a lot. I fail much less than I used to. When I fail, inevitably I begin anew. Keeping the work I’ve overly controlled isn’t an option I entertain. The energy is what I’m trying to capture, lightning in a bottle. That means starting fresh.
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This afternoon I watched a dab of Cerulean careen down the page – and I ever so slightly…compromised. Where before I would have swooped in and saved the skier speeding toward untimely death – I let them take the risk – instead I just moved the mountain, Arches 120lb, a tip to the left. The skier is free, left to move at will…almost. That’s happening more and more. Every. single. time. feels like a miracle. It’s almost one I don’t want to put in to words…. except –
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I know that the difference is me. I show up. I show up every day. I show up like I haven’t since college. Even one better – I show up like a boss. College was manic. This year is professional. 3pm-8pm or 4pm-11pm. Those are my office hours. No phone calls on Saturday. Sunday I sleep in and I get out early – 5 or 6pm. The rest of the time is just me and the paint. It’s life changing. It’s letting me move mountains – well Arches, and even though gains are small, they’re consistent.
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So like I said, almost a miracle I don’t want to jinx – except for this…
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I realize a massive improvement in my work when I’m listening to Sam Smith, or This American Life, or Dinner Party Download. I notice a change after reading Hans Bacher, or Robert Henri, or Kat Yeh for a half an hour or so before bed. I notice a change after a phone call about craft with Mika Song or a chat about process with Marcie Colleen and Joyce Wan. I’m in an active collective @ProvoStudio, where I’m gobsmacked by gorgeous, stretching art every time I go refresh my water. I see the change in me and mine. So that’s the secret. It’s why I need to share. As an artist – of any kind – I’m realizing how defening and vital doing your best work is. It fuels other artists. Their art in turn fuels you and together. Together we can move mountains.
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thank you. for being you. Thank you for showing up today. For your art. For me.

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