She Sure is {Searching}

I sit, poised at the ready, brush in hand. I dash. I stab. Then I just. watch. I try to refrain from jumping in. It’s a struggle.

There is not fixing and there is no forcing. I am fast learning I can make a painting bend and fold to my will but it’s just not worth the loss. I keep fighting for the freedom of my paint. I slap my own hand away on the regular. It’s a growth period for me as an artist and for my art as a living breathing entity too. I fail at letting my art breathe. I fail a lot. I fail much less than I used to. When I fail, inevitably I begin anew. Keeping the work I’ve overly controlled isn’t an option I entertain. The energy is what I’m trying to capture, lightning in a bottle. That means starting fresh.

This afternoon I watched a dab of Cerulean careen down the page – and I ever so slightly…compromised. Where before I would have swooped in and saved the skier speeding toward untimely death – I let them take the risk – instead I just moved the mountain, Arches 120lb, a tip to the left. The skier is free, left to move at will…almost. That’s happening more and more. Every. single. time. feels like a miracle. It’s almost one I don’t want to put in to words…. except –

I know that the difference is me. I show up. I show up every day. I show up like I haven’t since college. Even one better – I show up like a boss. College was manic. This year is professional. 3pm-8pm or 4pm-11pm. Those are my office hours. No phone calls on Saturday. Sunday I sleep in and I get out early – 5 or 6pm. The rest of the time is just me and the paint. It’s life changing. It’s letting me move mountains – well Arches, and even though gains are small, they’re consistent.

So like I said, almost a miracle I don’t want to jinx – except for this…

I realize a massive improvement in my work when I’m listening to Sam Smith, or This American Life, or Dinner Party Download. I notice a change after reading Hans Bacher, or Robert Henri, or Kat Yeh for a half an hour or so before bed. I notice a change after a phone call about craft with Mika Song or a chat about process with Marcie Colleen and Joyce Wan. I’m in an active collective @ProvoStudio, where I’m gobsmacked by gorgeous, stretching art every time I go refresh my water. I see the change in me and mine. So that’s the secret. It’s why I need to share. As an artist – of any kind – I’m realizing how defening and vital doing your best work is. It fuels other artists. Their art in turn fuels you and together. Together we can move mountains.

thank you. for being you. Thank you for showing up today. For your art. For me.

Categories: Uncategorized

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